Well I did some meth again. I wish I hadn't. I also got a new connection. That's bad news. I get so bored and lonely on my days off. I need to figure out something to do so that I don't do drugs. I always feel really bad the next few days coming down and if I get drug tested I am screwed. I had been feeling somewhat better. Not great, but not suicidal. I hope the small amount of drugs I did won't affect me too badly.

I've been feeling okay, not great. I feel nauseous and tired most days when I wake up, but I think that's related to the medicine I've been taking. The provigial says it causes nausea and i've been taking 3 xanax to go to sleep and then one at around four or five in the morning to stay asleep. I cut back to two and one last night and I feel a little better. However it is my day off. I only took half a provigial today. I want to see if I can stay awake with jst half and then I'll need less xanax. I don't know if I like day shift yet. It is so hard getting to know everybody, and I'm always afraid that I am going to get into trouble. I already don't like Jolene and I am freaked out everytime I am in her section. I am getting asked out at work more often since I have to be more engaged in what I am doing now. It's good for my ego but it scares me also. I have such a hard time saying no.

I want drugs bad! I have been so bored the past two days on my days off. So far I have been able to resist. Yesterday I snorted 2 ephedra and then took 6 xanax and 2 tylenol pm to go to sleep. Today I didn't take a provigial and I hope that I will sleep better tonight. Clarence has been out of town and has not called me. I called him yesterday because that is usually our day together amd he has not returned my call. It is Wednesday. I am so mad! If I am just a lay, wy didn't he leave it at that instead of telling me he loved me. What a prick!

The night before last I took two tylenolpm and had a really rough night sleeping. I kept dreaming I was awake and it felt like I was the next morning. Last night I took three xanax and I slept better. I took a provigal and an ephedrine today. I would like to go to sleep by about ten at night so I could get up in the morning and work out. Today was an okay day at work. I felt okay. Not great but I wasn't extremely depressed. I was supposed to go out with some people to a bar tonight but I ended up chickening out. I was walking up t the door and I turned around and went back to my truck. Oh well, one step at a time I guess. I am really stressed about money. I hope I keep doing good on day shift because if I don't I am going to be screwed. My bills have really racked up between UNM and my student loan. I am going to call opn my student loan and see if I can get the payment lowered. 260 a month is a lot! I also think I am going to go to the psychiatrist once every two months instead of every month. Mostly it just seems like we are waiting for the VNS to kick in and I can't afford to pay for the adjustments.

I went to lunch with Yolee today. We went to unpainted furnture and to home depot also. I got some paint to paint my shelves. I had a panic attack when I got home and took 2 xanax. I didn't take any wphedra today or any tylenol pm last night. I am not sure if I had a narcolepsy episode today or if it was the panic attack but I felt really out of it today. I wa spacing out talking to Yolee. I am making a pork chop and broccoli for dinner. I still have zero appetite. I have to choke the food down. It sucks. Oh well.

I started day shift today. A lot of people were really nice to me. I hope it continues to go well. I took one and a half provigials, one ephedra and 2 xanax today. I didn't have any sleep episodes, so that was good. I've been feeling nausea when I eat now. I have absolutely no appetite. I could lose some weight but I don't think I am eating enough to be healthy. I am a little sad tonight. Not huge though. Going to bed at a decent hour may take some getting used to. I flirted with a guy on my game today. I actually liked him. That hasn't ever really happened before. I saw Clarence this morning at work. He is going out of town to see his dad so I will not see him until a week from tomorrow. I am going to go have lunch with Vera tomorrow and then I have a dentist appointment on wednesday. I am scared of being bored on my days off. It makes me want to sleep or to want to do drugs. I really want to stop doing drugs and try to get my life in some kind of order. I am too old to be a drug addict, single with no savings. I need to call Jill tomorrow. I haven't talked to her in a really long time.

I felt really good yesterday. I did stuff all day and went to work until 2:00am and wasn't tired. It was amazing. No ephedra either. Today I don't feel so good. I'm okay, just not great. I took one and a half provigils and one ephedra so far. I'm hoping I won't feel bad tonight. I start day shift on Monday. I am nervous! I hope it turns out okay. It will be nice to sleep at night again. I hope it will help with my depression. I saw Clarence today. I will only see him once a week once I start day shift. I don't know what to do about that relationship. I guess I can let it just go on like it is until I'm ready for a full time relationship and then I will have to find someone else. I planted some morning glories today. Yesterday I went to Hobby Lobby and got some fake flowers for my red vase. I have to go back and get some magnet stuff so I can make a magnet with my name on it. Maybe I'll feel like going tomorrow. I hope so because Sunday I am going to work at 6:00pm. Caress switched times with me. She is so nice!