Well I did some meth again. I wish I hadn't. I also got a new connection. That's bad news. I get so bored and lonely on my days off. I need to figure out something to do so that I don't do drugs. I always feel really bad the next few days coming down and if I get drug tested I am screwed. I had been feeling somewhat better. Not great, but not suicidal. I hope the small amount of drugs I did won't affect me too badly.

I've been feeling okay, not great. I feel nauseous and tired most days when I wake up, but I think that's related to the medicine I've been taking. The provigial says it causes nausea and i've been taking 3 xanax to go to sleep and then one at around four or five in the morning to stay asleep. I cut back to two and one last night and I feel a little better. However it is my day off. I only took half a provigial today. I want to see if I can stay awake with jst half and then I'll need less xanax. I don't know if I like day shift yet. It is so hard getting to know everybody, and I'm always afraid that I am going to get into trouble. I already don't like Jolene and I am freaked out everytime I am in her section. I am getting asked out at work more often since I have to be more engaged in what I am doing now. It's good for my ego but it scares me also. I have such a hard time saying no.

I want drugs bad! I have been so bored the past two days on my days off. So far I have been able to resist. Yesterday I snorted 2 ephedra and then took 6 xanax and 2 tylenol pm to go to sleep. Today I didn't take a provigial and I hope that I will sleep better tonight. Clarence has been out of town and has not called me. I called him yesterday because that is usually our day together amd he has not returned my call. It is Wednesday. I am so mad! If I am just a lay, wy didn't he leave it at that instead of telling me he loved me. What a prick!

The night before last I took two tylenolpm and had a really rough night sleeping. I kept dreaming I was awake and it felt like I was the next morning. Last night I took three xanax and I slept better. I took a provigal and an ephedrine today. I would like to go to sleep by about ten at night so I could get up in the morning and work out. Today was an okay day at work. I felt okay. Not great but I wasn't extremely depressed. I was supposed to go out with some people to a bar tonight but I ended up chickening out. I was walking up t the door and I turned around and went back to my truck. Oh well, one step at a time I guess. I am really stressed about money. I hope I keep doing good on day shift because if I don't I am going to be screwed. My bills have really racked up between UNM and my student loan. I am going to call opn my student loan and see if I can get the payment lowered. 260 a month is a lot! I also think I am going to go to the psychiatrist once every two months instead of every month. Mostly it just seems like we are waiting for the VNS to kick in and I can't afford to pay for the adjustments.

I went to lunch with Yolee today. We went to unpainted furnture and to home depot also. I got some paint to paint my shelves. I had a panic attack when I got home and took 2 xanax. I didn't take any wphedra today or any tylenol pm last night. I am not sure if I had a narcolepsy episode today or if it was the panic attack but I felt really out of it today. I wa spacing out talking to Yolee. I am making a pork chop and broccoli for dinner. I still have zero appetite. I have to choke the food down. It sucks. Oh well.