depression

2007-05-16T15:26:00.000-07:00

Well I did some meth again. I wish I hadn't. I also got a new connection. That's bad news. I get so bored and lonely on my days off. I need to figure out something to do so that I don't do drugs. I always feel really bad the next few days coming down and if I get drug tested I am screwed. I had been feeling somewhat better. Not great, but not suicidal. I hope the small amount of drugs I did won't affect me too badly.

2007-05-15T08:01:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling okay, not great. I feel nauseous and tired most days when I wake up, but I think that's related to the medicine I've been taking. The provigial says it causes nausea and i've been taking 3 xanax to go to sleep and then one at around four or five in the morning to stay asleep. I cut back to two and one last night and I feel a little better. However it is my day off. I only took half a provigial today. I want to see if I can stay awake with jst half and then I'll need less xanax. I don't know if I like day shift yet. It is so hard getting to know everybody, and I'm always afraid that I am going to get into trouble. I already don't like Jolene and I am freaked out everytime I am in her section. I am getting asked out at work more often since I have to be more engaged in what I am doing now. It's good for my ego but it scares me also. I have such a hard time saying no.

2007-05-09T17:44:00.000-07:00

I want drugs bad! I have been so bored the past two days on my days off. So far I have been able to resist. Yesterday I snorted 2 ephedra and then took 6 xanax and 2 tylenol pm to go to sleep. Today I didn't take a provigial and I hope that I will sleep better tonight. Clarence has been out of town and has not called me. I called him yesterday because that is usually our day together amd he has not returned my call. It is Wednesday. I am so mad! If I am just a lay, wy didn't he leave it at that instead of telling me he loved me. What a prick!

2007-05-05T20:39:00.000-07:00

The night before last I took two tylenolpm and had a really rough night sleeping. I kept dreaming I was awake and it felt like I was the next morning. Last night I took three xanax and I slept better. I took a provigal and an ephedrine today. I would like to go to sleep by about ten at night so I could get up in the morning and work out. Today was an okay day at work. I felt okay. Not great but I wasn't extremely depressed. I was supposed to go out with some people to a bar tonight but I ended up chickening out. I was walking up t the door and I turned around and went back to my truck. Oh well, one step at a time I guess. I am really stressed about money. I hope I keep doing good on day shift because if I don't I am going to be screwed. My bills have really racked up between UNM and my student loan. I am going to call opn my student loan and see if I can get the payment lowered. 260 a month is a lot! I also think I am going to go to the psychiatrist once every two months instead of every month. Mostly it just seems like we are waiting for the VNS to kick in and I can't afford to pay for the adjustments.

2007-05-02T16:52:00.000-07:00

I went to lunch with Yolee today. We went to unpainted furnture and to home depot also. I got some paint to paint my shelves. I had a panic attack when I got home and took 2 xanax. I didn't take any wphedra today or any tylenol pm last night. I am not sure if I had a narcolepsy episode today or if it was the panic attack but I felt really out of it today. I wa spacing out talking to Yolee. I am making a pork chop and broccoli for dinner. I still have zero appetite. I have to choke the food down. It sucks. Oh well.

2007-04-30T20:31:00.000-07:00

I started day shift today. A lot of people were really nice to me. I hope it continues to go well. I took one and a half provigials, one ephedra and 2 xanax today. I didn't have any sleep episodes, so that was good. I've been feeling nausea when I eat now. I have absolutely no appetite. I could lose some weight but I don't think I am eating enough to be healthy. I am a little sad tonight. Not huge though. Going to bed at a decent hour may take some getting used to. I flirted with a guy on my game today. I actually liked him. That hasn't ever really happened before. I saw Clarence this morning at work. He is going out of town to see his dad so I will not see him until a week from tomorrow. I am going to go have lunch with Vera tomorrow and then I have a dentist appointment on wednesday. I am scared of being bored on my days off. It makes me want to sleep or to want to do drugs. I really want to stop doing drugs and try to get my life in some kind of order. I am too old to be a drug addict, single with no savings. I need to call Jill tomorrow. I haven't talked to her in a really long time.

2007-04-27T17:34:00.000-07:00

I felt really good yesterday. I did stuff all day and went to work until 2:00am and wasn't tired. It was amazing. No ephedra either. Today I don't feel so good. I'm okay, just not great. I took one and a half provigils and one ephedra so far. I'm hoping I won't feel bad tonight. I start day shift on Monday. I am nervous! I hope it turns out okay. It will be nice to sleep at night again. I hope it will help with my depression. I saw Clarence today. I will only see him once a week once I start day shift. I don't know what to do about that relationship. I guess I can let it just go on like it is until I'm ready for a full time relationship and then I will have to find someone else. I planted some morning glories today. Yesterday I went to Hobby Lobby and got some fake flowers for my red vase. I have to go back and get some magnet stuff so I can make a magnet with my name on it. Maybe I'll feel like going tomorrow. I hope so because Sunday I am going to work at 6:00pm. Caress switched times with me. She is so nice!

2007-04-22T17:45:00.000-07:00

I have been taking ephedra to get through my work days and I feel like I am on a fucking roller coaster. I fell off the wagon again with the meth last Monday, so I am sure I am still emotional from that. I slept all day today and I am scared to go to work. I took a couple of Xanax today, but no ephedra. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I won;t have a narcolepsy episode at work. My lif sucks. I wish I could just be happy, off drugs with a nice husband. Is that too much to ask? Apparently.

2007-04-14T16:51:00.000-07:00

Well I ended up snorting an ephedrine. I also took two orally. I did go to the gym and on the way home I had a narcolepsy thing going. I got a ticket for $150 today for speeding. It was on the day I was going to get meth so it is probably legit. I feel okay right now. I took an hour nap. I have to get ready to go to work in alittle while. That sucks. I'd like to call in and get high. That sounds like way more fun. Hopefully I can resist.

2007-04-14T13:43:00.000-07:00

Last night I felt like shit at work. Too many ephedra. Linda asked me if I was all right because I was shaking on the game. I slept pretty good last night. I don't feel very good today though. I feel blah. I took one ephedra to see if it will lift me up just a little. I'm going to try not to go overboard on them today though. I am planning to go to the gym. I just have to get off my ass and do it. Maybe one more cup of coffee.

2007-04-13T18:06:00.000-07:00

Well, I don't feel so good today. I feel wired and tired and I don't want to go to work. I feel like I am going to crash. I snorted an ephedra but it hurt really bad so I swallowed two more. I also took a xanax. I'm always on a roller coaster ride. I hate my life. My insurance is denying coverage of my medical bils. They are driving me crazy!

2007-04-13T01:39:00.000-07:00

I just got off work at two. I feel good! Hopeful, optimistic outgoing!

2007-04-11T22:13:00.000-07:00

Hey,
I feel pretty good right now. Of course I snorted three ephedrine and swallowed three ephedrine. Before that, I was so bored I was trying to go to sleep at six pm. I went to the gym today, got my hair cut, my nails done and went to the library. I got home and there was nothing I wanted to do. TV is boring, reading is boring, the internet is boring. It is about 11:00pm and I am pretty wired. I was going to call Eric for drugs so this is a better alternative. He rips me off all the time and I am tired of it. Also, I have to take random drug tests at work. If I lost my job I would have to kill myself. My life would be totally screwed.

2007-04-10T19:18:00.000-07:00

I feel better today. It is my day off, around 8:00pm. I am bored but feel okay. I saw Clarence today for about four hours which gave me something to do. I talked to Maggie on the phone today. I don't think we are going to be very close friends anymore. She doesn't seem very interested in my stuff, and I am jealous and not very interested in her school or her relationship with Martin. I am less important to her than these things. It is pretty annoying. She was so happy when I moved to New Mexico because she didn't have a boyfriend so she needed someone to talk to. Now I am kicked to the curb. I didn't tell Clarence that I have been thinking about him a lot lately. I tried to tell him that I loved him and wanted to see him more often but it didn't come out very well. I can still feel the VNS when the current goes on and my voice still goes out.

2007-04-08T14:32:00.000-07:00

It's Easter today and I am all alone. I'm dating a married man and Maggie is involved with someone so she totally ignores me. If she were single she would have invited me to do something with her for Easter. She doesn't think I am good enough for her because I am not in school and so now she is all high-class and has her school friends and she just totally bypasses me. I'm sick of the way she treats me. She thinks she is better than me. I wish I had some friends who were there for me when I need them. I am so bored, but I still don't have any energy to do anything. I know if I go back to sleep I will feel worse but that is what I feel like doing. I hate my life. I am so bored all the time but I don't know what to do. I have no energy, no interests, no money, my work hours suck and my life sucks. Oh well.

2007-04-07T05:50:00.000-07:00

I finally got a good night's sleep. I took three tylenol pm, two xanx and three melatonin and I actually slept! I slept elevan hours of good sleep. I still have to take a nap today before I go to work. I hope that the sleep will help my mood. I'm still scared about going back to work. The swing shift bosses hate me, and keep putting me on bad rotations. Oh well, eventually they will be okay as long as I show up for work regularly. I don't know how long they can hold a grudge.

2007-04-06T18:46:00.000-07:00

Clarence stood me up today because his wife came home from work early. I was really lonely. The only reason I got out of bed today was to see him. I called work and I am going back to work tomorrow, so I won't have to stress about money so much. I've been crying so much the last couple of days, that I am afraid to talk to anybody. I don't think it is coming of the drugs anymore but maybe it is. This is two and a half days since I've used so it probably is still the meth. I bought some tylenol pm and I hope it will let me sleep for a while so I don't have to think about anything.

2007-04-06T09:24:00.000-07:00

I wish I was dead. I feel sick to my stomach because I know something bad is going to happen. I feel bad whether I am at home or at work. I am still just as anxious. God, I hate myself. I don't know what I am going to do when I run out of money. I couldn't sleep last night. I went to bed at 11:30 and was still up at 2:30. At 10:00 this morning, I had to drag my ass out of bed. I don't want to be here, I don't want to be awake. I am supposed to see Clarence in a couple of hours and then I am supposed to drive down to my mom's house. I don't know how I am going to do it. What is the point of trying anymore?

2007-04-05T21:15:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how my life is going. I got VNS implanted for depression and I am finding all this info on how it doesn't work that well. I am supposed to start feeling better soon but I don't know how long I can wait. I am taking a lot of time off of work and I am scared to go back because I know those people hate me. I try to justify not working to myself and others but it just sounds like a lot of bullshit. I feel like a total loser. I took meth two days ago. Supposedly I was going to quit doing drugs, go to work and basically get my life together. I failed again. I am dating a married man named Clarence, who I work with. I feel pretty comfortable around him most of the time. We don't see each other that much which is probably good, because it helps him remain nice to me. Maybe he won't get fed up with my shit. I am 36, living paycheck to paycheck, single and depressed. What kind of life is this? I think about suicide (usually when I am coming off drugs). If I lose my job, I don't know what other option I will have. I won't make enough money to support myself doing anything else. I have no money to keep myself afloat if I am not working. I am so scared! I know I am making all of these bad decisions, but I feel like I can't stop. What am I going to do?